Obviously, I understand that people do not hear my internal monologue. Isn’t it easy to forget that, though? I just assume that people completely understand my meaning. It’s very difficult to see yourself as the world sees you. Inside, I’m a pretty benevolent person. Sure, I have my moments where I’m snotty. But mostly, I want to be kind and helpful. I want people’s approval. Don’t we all?
But all my life I’ve had this struggle where people do not get me. The closer you are to me, the more you understand the meaning I’m trying to convey – the message behind the words. I want to believe you hear my words the same way I hear them in my head. Unfortunately, I have always come across as a foot in mouth, blunt, sometimes careless person. Even maybe a mean person? I don’t know. All I know is I offend people when I’m not even trying. It’s the most frustrating, embarrassing, painful ongoing personality defect I have. That no matter how I change, how I strive to be better….all the work is essentially useless because YOU PEOPLE can’t just read my thoughts!
But you get my point. God has really been working on me a lot lately. I’ve certainly felt the growing pains. I’ve stayed when I’ve wanted to go. Breathed deeply when I wanted to scream. Swallowed my pride when I wanted to point out other’s wrongs. I have humbled myself and I have forgiven when it’s really hurt. It is supernatural. I’m telling you, no inch of my worldly flesh wants to do this. In my heart of hearts, though, there is a yearning, a huge pulling desire to be close to my God. And when you want to be close to someone, you want to please them. You want their approval. So I let Him change me, and He’s doing an excellent job.
A couple nights ago, I asked, “Lord, will you please give me a little break? Just let me catch my breath for a second.” All this changing has been rough. All this blasted self-improvement is challenging. Of course, He lets me rest. He knows when I need it. And I’m confident that He will also fix My Mouth.
I just want people to get me. I just want them to realize that I mean good. I don’t hate, I’m not deceptive, I don’t scheme. The worst thing I might do is talk about you to someone else. Okay, okay, I know that isn’t good. I’m just being truthful here. Remember I said THE WORST. It breaks my heart when I never meant to slight someone, didn’t even know I did it, and they took offense. I couldn’t correct the problem because I never knew there was one. I’ve never had an easy time making friends. Certainly no better at keeping them. All I want is for them to stay. All I want is honesty, sincerity, understanding.
I once had a huge internal debate about which was more important in a relationship: Love or Understanding? That’s before I realized they weren’t seperate entities. But that’s another story.